How Does Stepfamily Counselling Work?

There are not many counselling practices that deal specifically with stepfamilies. Most deal with the biologically connected family.

My personal experience as a stepmother and my choice to deal particularly with stepfamilies is a result of realising how little help there is for people dealing with or entering into stepfamily relationships.

The dynamics of a stepfamily are different from a biological family.

It is combining two familys’ histories, rules, values, manners, behaviors and traditions.

The main problems involved in combining families include:

  • Co-parenting agreements with ex-spouses
  • Introducing the children to a new partner
  • Holiday conflicts and the rituals of visitation
  • Feeling like an outsider in your new family
  • Step-parenting from the children’s and the adults’ perspective
  • Roles, rules, responsibilities – who is in charge of discipline, time, energy and money
  • Coping with the many issues that are unresolved from the past
  • Negotiating relationships in the new family
  • How to deal with a child who may be experiencing loss

I help you address these problems combining the needs of all involved and allowing your new stepfamily to evolve into a healthy, functional and happy stepfamily.

The outcomes that are a result of stepfamily counselling include:

  • The biological parents sort out the discipline for more effective parenting
  • You can all agree on house rules that work
  • Your couple relationship becomes stronger and more loving
  • You can resolve the negative patterns in your stepfamily
  • You can better manage stress, upsets, and family drama
  • Creating greater stability for the children so they can flourish
  • Creating civility and working relationships so you all get along
  • Developing a skill set that is necessary to build a new, healthy, vibrant family system.

What is a stepfamily?

A stepfamily is formed when parents re-partner following separation or the death of their partner and there is at least one resident stepchild of either member of the couple.

In 2009-10 there were 99,000 stepfamilies with resident children aged 0 – 17 in Australia.

The blended family contains a resident stepchild but also a natural or adopted child of both parents.

In 2009 – 10, there were 91,000 blended families with resident children aged 0 – 17 years (Australian Bureau of Statistics).

The terms ‘blended’ and ‘step’ as illustrated above are terms that are sometimes used and can often be misconstrued. I like to view stepfamilies not as blended but to view them as combining all people involved. It’s a bringing together of everyone’s history, ideals and worldviews.

The idea that the families blend or merge and become one, rather than seeing the new family as many parts, integrating and honoring each other as a new model of family life.

I was a stepmother first when I married my husband, we now have a child of our own, and our family has combined together with all our differences and similarities, with respect, honesty and trust for each other.

How I work

During counselling we will work together to acknowledge and resolve your unique challenges and dynamics that characterise your stepfamily situation, focusing and addressing the issues and concerns of those living as a stepfamily.

I work together with you to manage, negotiate and nurture carefully the new and extended family situation, to support, give new insights and effective strategies to be successful in your relationships and in your family.

My training

I have brought together my knowledge, training and understanding of communication, counselling skills, psychotherapy, couples counselling, mediation and the practice of meditation and mindfulness. The aim being to have a comprehensive awareness of the many issues that each of us brings to counselling.

Stepfamily Counselling will help you with:

  • Changing old patterns of behavior that are causing you difficulties
  • Instill new perceptions about how you view your world and those around you. This can bring great insight into who you really are and how you want to live your life
  • Understanding feelings of guilt and confusion – this comes through loss of what was, and so often we forget we are the parents
  • Teaching your children right from wrong and guiding them with love and affection.
  • Creating an environment of predictability. If the children see love, respect, and open communication between you and your spouse, they will feel more secure and may even learn to model those qualities
  • Building on your strength as a couple, allowing you to work together more effectively

Taking action

Once you are willing and committed:

  • We will discuss your current situation; I need to hear your main concerns that have brought you to counselling.
  • We will prioritise the most distressing issues and work on where change is necessary. We will practice the skills of communication and how you relate to one another and improve on current dysfunctional behaviours.
  • With Mindfulness we focus on what is happening in the present moment, although past history is taken into account as to how it affects what is going on in your lives now.
  • The issues of how you live your life and what your values are, is extremely important. Each of us has different ‘rules’ for living, it is learning to respect and become aware of these differences.

This can come with some anxiety; I am not saying that counselling is all about making you ‘feel good’. It is about raising awareness of how to live your lives as best as you can with all the limitations that life throws at us.

This all takes time, energy and work, and the rewards come with gratitude and devotion.